[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
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My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
Sorry not sorry.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.