[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
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Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler