[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
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Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?