[trying to unhook a bra]

*kung fu noises*

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Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.


ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship


ME: 😊

P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya


We need a ride home.

“I called a Gruber”

Don’t you mean an Uber?

[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]


Cashier: What does your tattoo say?

Me: It doesn’t talk.

Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?


Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.


My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me

So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff


HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s


The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist


My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”

My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”


This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.


Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.