[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
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he looks great for his age
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now