tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
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guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
Weighing up my bread heating options
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”