Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?

Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.

Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.

When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.

Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”

Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;

At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.

Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.

Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message

I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”

Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.

Sorry I made promises on Friday

What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.

I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.

I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.

We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.

me: *waking up* who’s there

monster under bed: hi

me: *shaking* omg you’re real

monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you

me: oh

monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy

me: dad?

monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax

Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.

I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf

My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched

News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave

Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…

Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.

Single Men say: Yes

Married Men: Try to hide

Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.

Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]

My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.

Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”

It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.

Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.

Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…

Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.

One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.

*gets into canoe*

Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!

*gets out of canoe*

God: you’re very small.

Ant: ok.

God: but really strong.

Ant: how strong?

God: you can-

Ant: can I lift a piano?

God: well-no.

Ant: can I lift a car?

God: no.

Ant: can I lift a-

God: you can lift a leaf.

Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.

Jim ate my sandwich.

It was clearly labeled.

Jim’s email is open on his PC.

Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.

The sandwich was LABELED.

On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.