TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
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ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
Oh, I bet you would be
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
Easy enough.
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]