TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
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“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
The three genders.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.