[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
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The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
me irl
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.