[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
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it’s a van. how do they not know this
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…