@Dawn_M_

Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.

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@VerbsRProudest

Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.

@Izianikapani

I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?

@holycrapitsakat

*Someone compliments me*

Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.

@jctwritesstuff

So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?

@LostFelicia

To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.

@mommajessiec

Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.

@themorris23

Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:

The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.

@ScobeyWanKenobi

The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.