Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
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Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.