*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
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Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
The little toadstool has spoken.
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…