*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
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Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.