*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
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At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.