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@joeljeffrey

I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.

@druuuck

*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*

@SadPeruna

Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?

@aveuaskew

“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”

Exactly

“What?”

It’s inflation

“I hate you”

@Cornjerker78

Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.

Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?

@seamusmckracken

Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?

@JohnHilsen

Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.

@timdonakowski

I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”

@huntigula

[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard