@IrenaBuzarewicz
@joeljeffrey I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
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@joeljeffrey 
@druuuck *Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
@SadPeruna Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
@aveuaskew “Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
@Cornjerker78 Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
@NoorShamma “By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
@seamusmckracken Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
@JohnHilsen Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
@timdonakowski I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
@huntigula [interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard