Tuesday
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Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what