Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
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The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.