“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
You Might Also Like
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*