Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
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At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”