Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
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Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
[montage of me giving-up]
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.