Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.

When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.

Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?

So they can be namaste at home moms.

I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed

I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way

Optician can tell from my eyes bleeding that I only just started flossing before the appointment

“How funny would it be if we made the packaging hard to open on a regular day, but nearly impossible if you’re bleeding out?”

– makers of band-aids

thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years

BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?

NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-

INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know

I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home

A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.

Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all

Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?

That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.

Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.

[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth

Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”

Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it

*Rubs lamp*

*Nothing happens*

Where’s the genie?

*Takes off lampshade*

What’s wrong with this thing?

At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.

My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.

Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers

5: let’s play the quiet game.

Me: Okay

5: ready..? Start.

Me:

5:

Me:

5: whoever talks first is the loser.

In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.

I saw my son go quietly into his bedroom with a broom and dustpan. It’s taken me awhile to learn this, but I now know that there are some questions best left unasked.

You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.

“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.

when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”

ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know

i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,

“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.

I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.