[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
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[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.