Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
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[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
No way!
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Never ghost your hitman.
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls