turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
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My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
North and South
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.