Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
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Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.