Turkeys really only have one day a year and it’s a bad one
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Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
Having to choose between an old guy or a convicted felon is a perfect depiction of what dating apps are Iike
why is my brain passive aggressive to me?
like, don’t make me feel nauseous after eating too much ice cream when you’re the one that decided we should eat the ice cream
when i’m president, i will add an additional hour between 6 and 7pm
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
I hate everything
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there