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Challinje aceptid.
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Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
when you are just born a rebel
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream