Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
You Might Also Like
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
broke down and did it
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
BaD BoY!!
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
Me trying to walk in a dream
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt