turn that frown upside down

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Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.


16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?

I don’t know.

16: Plain.

You’re going to be such a great dad.


taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.


Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.

My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup


NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”

– a cephalopodcast


Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]


My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.


[first day in prison]

“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”