@zoebread
@Reverend_Scott Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
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@Reverend_Scott 
@ChaseMit Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
@TheRealPhalguy 16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
@NurseMurderer taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
@BoomBoomBetty Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
@UnFitz NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
@elle91 Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
@DartsBofficial 1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
@michelleDbelle My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
@3sunzzz [first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”