🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
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At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
I want this so bad
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
want me to check your oil?