Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
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Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time