Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
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Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
I am never leaving this website
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
Forever 21… pounds overweight