*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
You Might Also Like
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
I wish all tests were things you peed on
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
Pringles
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup