Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.

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If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.


Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?


God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.


*interview for new roommate*

Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.


*Checks typos in the mail before sending*

*Checks again, to be sure*

*Clicks on Send*

*Goes to sent mails*

There’s a typo in the Subject


My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.


My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.


I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.


Welcome to adulthood.

You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.