@XplodingUnicorn

Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.

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@Tmoney68

If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.

@slimmy_shady

Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?

@KentWGraham

God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.

@PinkCamoTO

*interview for new roommate*

Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.

@sagarcasm

*Checks typos in the mail before sending*

*Checks again, to be sure*

*Clicks on Send*

*Goes to sent mails*

There’s a typo in the Subject

@sarcasticmommy4

My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.

@brandynmacd

My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.

@metickleu

I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.

@AbbyHasIssues

Welcome to adulthood.

You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.