Turning regret into ulcers since 1996
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[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
My flight did not give out free water so I asked for a glass of ice instead and documented the journey to a free water
Checkmate, Allegiant
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Girls don’t want boys. Girls want the 12-foot skeleton from Home Depot.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
the icebreaker
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
i meant to share this earlier
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
I can’t cook dinner if the can opener is broken, so I drove over it a few times just to make sure.