*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
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I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?