Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
You Might Also Like
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
pls suprot
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor