Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
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[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.