*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
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The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak