*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
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I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
“A little help here, Danny?”
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
shit just got real
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans