*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
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My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
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Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently