Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
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Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
This a good idea