Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
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Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks