Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
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Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell