Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
You Might Also Like
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
🍞🦆
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.