Turns out if you ask your neighbor who his favorite serial killer is he’ll stop trying to talk to you & I just wish I’d thought of this sooner.
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Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
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The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
Care for your back
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
I think we should hear other voices.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.