Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
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I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.