turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
You Might Also Like
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Namaste
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
reviewed some movies recently
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.