@nocturnology

Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.

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@thatcarlygirl

Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.

@cwhudson

BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple

@clichedout

girl: i’m way into philosophy

me: who is ur favorite philosopher

girl: Hume

me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher

@DothTheDoth

Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.

@timdonakowski

If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.

@deloisivete

My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough

@difficultpatty

Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.

@Ty_Schutz

I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.

@TravLeBlanc

Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.

@jctwritesstuff

Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.