Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.

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Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.


BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple


girl: i’m way into philosophy

me: who is ur favorite philosopher

girl: Hume

me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher


Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.


If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.


My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough


Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.


I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.


Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.


Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.