Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
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Trying
omg leave her alone
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
Someone just threatened to call me later
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
FRED: right
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
😂😂😂
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.