Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
You Might Also Like
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
the last thing a carrot sees