Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
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Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
I’d hang this in my house.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
Ah..makes sense now
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.