Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.

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Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.


Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…

Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.


Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel


The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.


I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.


If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now


I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor